Shine Your Spine and Protect Your Peace: A Therapist’s Guide to Boundaries

“My neighbor keeps asking me to dog-sit every weekend–I’m running out of excuses to say no.”
“It’s time to shine your spine—no is a complete sentence.”

“My boss keeps dumping last-minute projects on me like I’m on call 24/7.”
“Shine your spine and stop letting their poor planning become your emergency.”

“My sister always drags me into her fights with her boyfriend, expecting me to take her side and get involved.”
“Time to shine your spine and clock out of their drama factory.”

The phrase “shine your spine” is one of those sayings that stuck with me the first time I saw it on Reddit. If you’ve spent any time in communities like Raised by Narcissists or Relationship Advice, you’ve probably come across it too. It’s more than just a catchy phrase—it’s a powerful metaphor for finding the courage to assert your needs, hold boundaries, and choose yourself, even when it feels scary or uncomfortable.

Boundaries don’t come naturally for everyone—I know they didn’t for me. There have been so many times in my life where I said “yes” when I wanted to say “no” or put someone else’s feelings ahead of my own, only to feel drained, resentful, and like I was losing touch with myself. If you’ve ever felt that way, I see you. It’s exhausting, and it can leave you questioning your worth and your voice.

Shine Your Spine: A Psychotherapist’s Guide to Self-Worth, Boundaries, and Inner Peace

As a licensed psychotherapist, I’ve also seen how transformative it can be when people embrace this mindset. Shining your spine is about prioritizing your well-being, stepping into your inner strength, and holding boundaries without shame or guilt. But let’s be real—it’s not easy. For most of us, it comes with fear, doubt, and that nagging voice asking, “Am I being selfish?”

When you stop saying yes to everything and everyone else, you finally make space to say yes to yourself.

The truth is, learning to say no or standing firm in your truth can bring up a lot of discomfort. Especially if it means potentially upsetting others, navigating conflict, or unlearning the idea that your needs don’t matter. But when you stop saying yes to everything and everyone else, you finally make space to say yes to yourself–and that’s where the real transformation begins. When you’re not stifling your own needs, desires, or opinions, you start to feel more aligned, more empowered, and more in tune with who you really are.

In this blog, I’ll explore what it means to shine your spine, why boundaries are so hard (and so worth it), and how you can begin taking steps to assert your needs without compromising your values or relationships. Whether you’ve struggled to say no, feel guilty about putting yourself first, or just don’t know where to start, this is for you.

So, What Does It Mean to Shine Your Spine?

“Shining your spine” is more than just a catchy phrase—it’s about standing tall in your strength, embracing your self-worth, and asserting your needs with clarity and confidence. It’s not about being confrontational or controlling. It’s about reclaiming your power in a way that feels authentic and grounded.

When you shine your spine, you’re saying, “This is who I am, and this is what I need,” while still respecting the needs of others. It’s also an act of alignment with your values. And here’s the thing: this doesn’t happen overnight. Learning to shine your spine is a skill, and like any skill, it takes time and practice. Even small steps—like saying no to something that feels draining—can create meaningful change over time.

Why Does Setting Boundaries Feel So Difficult?

Let’s be real—setting boundaries can feel downright scary. Maybe you’ve been taught that saying no is selfish, or you’ve grown up in a family or culture where standing up for yourself was discouraged or downright unacceptable. You might be worried about hurting others’ feelings, causing conflict, or even losing relationships entirely.

But here’s what happens when you keep prioritizing others over yourself: resentment, exhaustion, and a disconnect from who you really are. You might feel angry or frustrated on the inside, but because you don’t want to upset anyone, you bury those feelings and go along with things you don’t actually want to do—all to keep the peace on the outside.

Shining your spine is about prioritizing your well-being, stepping into your inner strength, and holding boundaries without shame or guilt.

The problem is, while you’re busy maintaining harmony for everyone else, you’re often sacrificing your own inner peace. Over time, this can leave you feeling conflicted, unsettled, and out of sync with yourself. You might even notice symptoms like anxiety, depression, or a constant low-grade irritation that you can’t quite explain. That’s because when you bury your needs and silence your inner voice, it creates a disconnect between how you’re living and what you truly want or feel.

Your mind and body sense this disconnect, and those feelings of unease or overwhelm aren’t random, they’re important signals trying to get your attention. They’re telling you that something isn’t right, that your internal world and external actions are out of alignment.

Here’s the truth: shining your spine isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect in action. Boundaries allow you to be honest about what you need while still showing up authentically in your relationships. It’s not about pushing people away; it’s about creating space for mutual respect and connection, starting with the relationship you have with yourself.

How to Start Shining Your Spine

Learning to stand up for yourself is a process, and it begins with small, intentional steps. These are some of the ways I help people get started:

Identify Your Needs and Limits
The first step to setting boundaries is understanding where you need them. Pay attention to the moments when you feel drained, overwhelmed, or resentful—those are often signs that a boundary has been crossed.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What are recent examples where my feelings and actions didn’t align? (e.g., saying yes to helping a friend move when you really wanted to rest)
• What happened as a result? (e.g., feeling unappreciated, overwhelmed, or even angry at yourself for not saying no)
• What do I actually need in those situations to feel true to myself?

Practice Assertive Communication
Once you know what your boundaries are, the next step is communicating them clearly and respectfully. “I” statements are a great way to express your needs without blaming others. For example:

• “I need some time to myself after work to recharge.”
• “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to take on last-minute tasks.”

Assertive communication doesn’t mean over-explaining or apologizing for your needs. It’s about being clear and calm, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. Therapy can be an excellent place to practice these conversations—role-playing tough scenarios can help you feel more confident when the time comes to set your boundaries in real life.

Build Emotional Resilience

It’s completely normal to feel anxious or uncomfortable when you start setting boundaries, especially if it’s new for you. Remind yourself that this discomfort is temporary and that asserting your needs is a form of self-respect.

Consider grounding yourself with affirmations like:

• “My needs are valid.”
• “Saying no is an act of self-respect, and I’m worthy of respect.”
• “I have the right to protect my energy and prioritize my well-being.”
• “I can honor my needs without guilt, and the right people will honor them too.”

Over time, small affirmations can help you feel more secure in your right to take up space and honor your boundaries.

Stay Consistent
Boundaries are like muscles—they get stronger the more you use them. If someone tests your limits, stay calm and restate your boundary. For example:

• “I understand your perspective, but I still can’t commit to this right now.”
• “I’ve already explained my feelings about this topic, and I’m not going to discuss it further.”
• “If you continue to ignore my boundary, I’ll need to step away from this conversation.”

Consistency helps show others that your boundaries are non-negotiable while reinforcing your confidence in holding them.

What a Boundary Is—and What It Isn’t

In my experience, boundaries are often misunderstood. A lot of people think a boundary is something you tell someone else to do, like “You need to stop yelling at me.” But that’s not actually a boundary—it’s a demand.

A boundary is:

• “If you continue to yell at me, I’m going to leave the room.”
• “I won’t answer work emails after 6 p.m.”
• “If you borrow my things and don’t return them, I won’t lend them to you again.”

A boundary isn’t:

• “You need to stop yelling at me.”
• “You have to respect my time.”
• “You need to start taking better care of my things.”

See the difference? Boundaries are about your actions, not controlling someone else’s. They give you clarity and control over what you can do to protect your emotional safety and well-being.

The Benefits of Shining Your Spine

When you start shining your spine, the benefits ripple through every area of your life. Here are some shifts you may notice:

Improved Relationships: Being clear about your boundaries helps build mutual respect—the foundation of any healthy relationship. You show up with less resentment and frustration because you’re expressing your needs and making them known.

Emotional Freedom: Protecting your energy by saying no makes space for what really matters—your passions, your peace, and your well-being. You might start feeling lighter and less caught up in how others react emotionally when you’re more aligned with your own needs and values.

What to Expect When You Start Shining Your Spine

When you start asserting your needs and standing up for yourself, some people—especially those who’ve benefited from your lack of boundaries—may push back. Knowing what to expect can help you stay grounded and committed to your own well-being.

Here are some common reactions you might encounter:

• • Guilt-Tripping: “After everything I’ve done for you, how can you say no to this?”

  • Anger or Frustration: “I can’t believe you’re being so selfish. You’ve changed.”

  • Minimizing Your Needs: “It’s not that big of a deal—why are you making it one?”

  • Playing the Victim: “I guess I just can’t count on you anymore.”

  • Testing Your Boundaries: Ignoring what you’ve said and trying to push past your limits anyway.

  • Silent Treatment or Passive Aggression: Withdrawal or subtle digs meant to make you feel guilty or second-guess your decision.

It’s at this point that you may feel tempted to backtrack and not uphold your boundaries. But these reactions don’t mean you’re doing something wrong. In fact, they often highlight just how much your boundaries are needed in the first place. Change can feel really uncomfortable at times—for both you and the people around you—but staying consistent shows others that your needs matter.

Remember, you’re not responsible for managing other people’s feelings about your boundaries. You’re responsible for honoring your own well-being. And over time, the people who truly respect and care for you will adjust and grow alongside you.

How Therapy Can Help You Shine Your Spine

For many of us, shining your spine isn’t as easy as simply deciding to set boundaries—it usually means first exploring the deeper beliefs and patterns that have shaped how you view yourself and your relationships. This work involves looking at how early experiences taught us to prioritize others over ourselves, silence our needs and feelings, or question whether our needs really matter.

In my practice, I work with clients from an attachment lens, which means we don’t just focus on the “how” of boundaries but also the “why.” What is it about setting boundaries that feels difficult? Why do certain relationships leave you feeling drained or resentful? Together, we’ll explore those questions, unpack old patterns and relationships, and work on building the skills and confidence to assert your needs.

Therapy is also a place to practice. Whether it’s role-playing tough conversations, addressing fears of conflict, or learning to tolerate the discomfort that comes with saying no, we’ll create a safe, supportive space where you can grow and thrive. Real change doesn’t happen overnight, but with the right support, you can learn to protect your peace and honor your worth.

Take the First Step Toward Shining Your Spine

You deserve relationships where your needs are respected and your voice is heard. If you’re tired of keeping the peace at the expense of your own, therapy can help you reclaim your strength and create a life that feels more aligned with your values.

I’d love to help you take that first step. Reach out today for a free consultation, and let’s explore how we can work together to help you stand taller in your truth, honor your needs, and build more fulfilling connections.