Therapy for Childhood Emotional Neglect in NYC

You’re not alone

Have you ever thought to yourself: “I’m unhappy, but I’m not sure why”? This may be an especially confusing experience if you are an adult achieving success in many areas of your life, and consider your childhood years uncomplicated. Still, you feel like something is missing.

In addition to every human’s basic needs for food, clothing, and shelter, children need unconditional love, guidance, stability, trust, and encouragement from their primary caregivers to develop into well-adjusted adults. A child’s emotional needs are crucial for their development, and neglecting these needs can lead to long-lasting psychological effects.

Every child deserves to know that they are valued, loved, cared for, and to have a secure and nurturing environment. While this is the ideal, no one is guaranteed attentive, attuned, and healthy parental figures as role models during their developmental years. The absence of warmth, affection, validation, safety, caring, or reassurance provided by your primary caregivers as a child can have a profound impact on your emotional growth and development. Failing to recognize and validate a child’s feelings can lead to long-term emotional consequences.

People are finally acknowledging and naming the insidious forms of developmental trauma that can occur in childhood. Not all forms of mistreatment leave physical marks. For people who were emotionally neglected as children, it was the absence of things which you needed but didn’t receive when it mattered most.

Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is a form of trauma that occurs when caregivers fail to provide their child with adequate attention and care. It can be difficult to identify because there aren’t any physical signs of abuse, but it can have lasting effects on your self-esteem and relationships.

CEN occurs when caregivers or parents are physically present, but fail to meet their child’s emotional needs by being unavailable or rejecting them in some way. Childhood emotional neglect is a hidden, yet common form of childhood trauma. Children with this type of experience may look like they grew up in what appeared to be a normal family: no abuse, no violence, and not even any significant neglect. However, as children grow older they begin to realize that their caregivers weren’t available for them in the way that all children’s emotional needs require for healthy psychological development.

It can be difficult to acknowledge or accept that you may have been emotionally neglected as a child. You might find yourself dismissing the idea, thinking that it wasn’t that bad or that other people had it worse. But emotional neglect isn’t about what was done to you; it’s about what was missing.

Emotional neglect is a form of developmental trauma that occurs when caregivers fail to provide the emotional attunement necessary for a child to feel truly seen, understood, and valued. Attunement is the foundation of a secure parent-child bond, and without it, children may grow up feeling emotionally disconnected, unseen, or unworthy of love. Parents who are emotionally unavailable, whether due to their own struggles, stress, or a lack of awareness, may overlook their child’s feelings, dismiss their experiences, or fail to celebrate achievements and important milestones.

If you grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), you may have internalized the belief that having your basic needs met like food, shelter, and education was enough. You may have learned that love didn’t need to come with emotional warmth, validation, or understanding. But deep down, you may sense that something was missing. Emotional intimacy, empathy, and unconditional acceptance aren’t luxuries; they’re fundamental needs. If they went unmet in childhood, their absence may still echo in your life today.

What are the Signs and Symptoms of childhood Emotional Neglect?

Emotional neglect can manifest in various ways, making it challenging for people to identify. Some common signs and symptoms of childhood emotional neglect include:

Feeling numb or emotionally empty: If emotions weren’t acknowledged or encouraged in childhood, you may have learned to disconnect from them. This can lead to feeling detached from your own experiences, struggling to know what brings you joy, or having difficulty accessing emotions in moments when they matter most.

Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions: You may find it difficult to explain what you’re going through, even to those closest to you. This can create a sense of internal isolation, even in relationships where you’re cared for.

Low self-esteem or self-worth: You may have internalized the belief that you’re not enough. This can lead to tolerating unhealthy dynamics, over-explaining yourself to others, or feeling unworthy of kindness and care.

Feeling like something is missing, but unable to identify what it is: You may have a persistent sense of restlessness or dissatisfaction, as if something essential is absent from your life. This can make it difficult to feel settled, even in moments of success or stability.

Struggling with perfectionism: You may hold yourself to impossibly high standards, believing that love and approval must be earned. This can create anxiety around making mistakes or cause you to put immense pressure on yourself to appear competent and in control at all times.

Being sensitive to rejection: If love in childhood felt conditional, any perceived rejection or criticism in adulthood may feel disproportionately painful. You may overanalyze interactions, assume the worst, or withdraw emotionally to protect yourself. In relationships, this can lead to avoiding conflict, suppressing your needs, or feeling devastated by minor misunderstandings.

Difficulty understanding and naming feelings: Without a strong foundation in emotional attunement, recognizing what you need or want can feel foreign. This can make decision-making difficult, leading to uncertainty about what truly makes you happy.

Unreasonable guilt for attending to your own needs: If putting yourself first was discouraged as a child, you may struggle to set boundaries. You might feel selfish for prioritizing your own well-being or hesitate to ask for support when you need it.

Chronic caretaking of others: When emotional neglect teaches you that your worth is tied to being useful, you may take on the role of caregiver in relationships. This can lead to one-sided dynamics where you are constantly giving while receiving little in return.

Choosing emotionally unavailable partners: You may unconsciously be drawn to partners who are distant or inconsistent. A part of you may still be trying to earn the emotional connection that was missing in childhood, even when the relationship leaves you feeling unseen or unfulfilled.

These signs and symptoms can be subtle, and you may not even realize they’re the result of early emotional neglect. However, recognizing these patterns can be the first step towards healing and developing a healthier relationship with oneself.

Causes of Childhood Emotional Neglect

Childhood emotional neglect can stem from various factors, often related to the parents’ or caregivers’ own experiences, capacities, or circumstances. Some potential causes of childhood emotional neglect include:

• Parents’ own emotional neglect or trauma: Caregivers who experienced emotional neglect themselves may struggle to provide emotional support to their children.

• Lack of emotional intelligence or self-awareness: Parents who are not in touch with their own emotions may find it difficult to recognize and respond to their child’s emotional needs.

• Parental mental health issues: Conditions such as depression or anxiety can impair a caregiver’s ability to be emotionally available.

• Parental substance abuse or addiction: Substance abuse can lead to neglect of a child’s emotional and physical needs.

• Parental stress or overwhelm: High levels of stress or overwhelming responsibilities can make it challenging for caregivers to provide emotional support.

• Cultural or societal expectations that prioritize stoicism or emotional suppression: Societal norms that discourage emotional expression can contribute to emotional neglect.

Childhood emotional neglect isn’t always a result of intentional harm or a lack of love for the child. More often than not, it arises from parents’ inability, for whatever reason, to meet their child’s emotional needs.

Growing up in a home where emotional expression was rarely allowed, you never quite felt like you could be your true self. Any time you tried to discuss your feelings, your caregivers or parents would shut you down. They suggested, directly or indirectly, that your emotions are unwelcome or unreasonable. You often felt alone and misunderstood, like no one cared enough to really listen or even notice that you were sad, anxious, angry or hurt. Parents who experienced emotional neglect in their own upbringing may unintentionally continue similar patterns with their own children.

As the oldest child in the family, you were often left to take on responsibilities that were beyond your years. While your siblings were given the attention and affection they deserved, you were left to fend for yourself and made to feel guilty if you ever asked for more. You may have often felt invisible and like you weren’t valued as an important part of the family. You may have felt shame for having even basic needs.

Growing up in a home with well-meaning but workaholic caregivers, you received love in the form of material wealth. You may have moved around often for the adults’ job opportunities. Even when your caregivers were present, it felt like they were absent emotionally, leaving you feeling abandoned and neglected. You were expected to have similar success to your caregivers, and this was prioritized over your emotions or spending quality time together.

• • • Lack of emotional warmth and attunement from caregivers 

    • Not feeling safe to talk about feelings with caregivers

    • Caregivers not attending to signs of anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, or anxiety

    • Attempts for physical affection are dismissed or ignored 

    • Not being able to ask for help when needed, or getting punished when asking for help

    • Frequent criticism from caregivers

    • Lack of safety and security

    • Refusal to apologize or own up to mistakes

    • Excessive and unreasonable rules and expectations

    • Lack of appropriate structure and modeling necessary for healthy self-discipline skills 

    • Pressure to perform or excel at often unattainable standards 

    • Modeling hostile or passive-aggressive patterns of communication

    • Refusing to take responsibility or blaming the child

    • Disregarding the child’s emotional and physical boundaries repeatedly