A Therapist’s Guide to Parenting an Anxious Child
A mother was at the beach with her young daughter when something unexpected happened. The little girl suddenly began to scream, “Snakes! Snakes! I can’t go in the water!” The mother looked around urgently, but there were no snakes in sight. While the other children played happily in the water, her daughter was visibly upset, paralyzed by the fear of snakes in the water.
At that moment, the mother felt unsure of what to say.
Her first instinct was to reassure her daughter by pointing out that there were no snakes. But she knew from past experience that this wouldn’t work. Her daughter was aware that snakes occasionally swam in the lake, and technically, this was a possibility. At least once every summer, a water snake would pass through the swimming area. When this happened, lifeguards would blow the whistle, instructing all of the swimmers to stand on the sand as they shooed the snake through.
While this wasn’t a particularly dangerous species of snake, and its presence posed more of a nuisance than a threat, its rare yet brief presence was enough to spark her daughter’s anxiety. Once the snake passed, everyone happily got back into the water —everyone but her daughter. The mother’s heart broke to see her daughter refuse to go back in while the other children played, completely unphased.
Why Is My Child So Anxious? Understanding Childhood Anxiety
Frustrated, the mother considered telling her daughter to “stop being a baby” since she was already 5 years old, and no other children seemed afraid. But she knew this would only hurt her daughter’s feelings. She thought about saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from the snakes. You can sit on this blanket, and if you decide to go in the water, I’ll be right here, watching out for you.” She had tried this approach before, and while it provided temporary comfort, it didn’t help in the long run. Her daughter would remain on the sidelines, while the other children played, or would venture into the water only to cling to her mother, seeking constant reassurance.
The mother began to notice that her daughter’s anxiety was growing stronger, not weaker. Instead of overcoming her fears, she seemed more anxious with each trip to the beach. One summer, he daughter refused to enter the water for the entire summer. No amount of coaxing by friends or family would convince the girl to budge from her towel on the sand. Neither threats of punishment nor bribes of extra ice cream were working. Unsure of how to help her child navigate these overwhelming emotions, the mother felt lost.
Childhood anxiety is incredibly common, but it often goes misunderstood or mishandled. Many parents assume that their child will simply “grow out of it” or that avoiding scary situations will help. However, anxiety tends to grow when left unaddressed.
Some signs your child may be struggling with anxiety:
- Frequent worries about things other kids don’t seem concerned about
- Avoiding certain situations (e.g., school, sleepovers, social events)
- Seeking constant reassurance from parents.
- Trouble with sleep due to worries
- Physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, or dizziness.
If your child shows these patterns, it’s important to intervene early to prevent anxiety from interfering with their daily life.
How Can Parents Help an Anxious Child Without Making It Worse?
When children express anxiety, parents naturally want to help—but some well-intentioned responses can actually reinforce anxious behaviors. There are often two reactions that parents have to an anxious child.
The Two Most Common (But Ineffective) Responses to Child Anxiety
The first is bending over backwards to help the child avoid things that are scary.
Accommodation: Parents try to remove the source of distress by allowing avoidance. Examples:
- A child scared of swimming in lakes is allowed to stay on shore every summer
- Letting a child with OCD hold paper towels in their hands so that they don’t have to touch feared surfaces like door handles or counter tops
- Endless bedtime routines for children afraid to sleep alone
- Excessive food preparations (i.e., making multiple dinners) for children who have developed fears of certain foods.
Though these strategies work right away, in the big picture, anxiety is not getting better.
Tough Love: Parents force exposure without support, saying things like, “Just get over it!” This can create shame and resentment, leading to more anxiety and conflict. Sometimes parents lecture children on how much worse their lives were when they were younger. This style of parenting can sometimes be effective but more often leads to escalations and fights between the parent and child. Other times, the child learns to avoid the angry parent but continues to engage in the anxious behaviors. Over time, the relationship suffers. The child’s self-esteem may suffer as well as that of the parent who may feel like a failure when the strategy doesn’t work.
Ultimately, neither of these approaches teaches the child how to cope with their anxiety. Instead, SPACE therapy offers a more effective approach.
Avoiding Accommodation: A Common Parenting Trap
One of the key aspects of SPACE is helping parents avoid accommodation—doing for their child what the child can do for themselves. This often feels like the easier option in the moment but can reinforce the child’s anxiety in the long run. For instance, allowing a child to skip school or avoid social situations because of their anxiety might bring short-term relief but sends the message that they aren’t capable of handling these challenges.
In the case of the mother and daughter, we worked on reducing the mother’s tendency to offer constant reassurance or to hover in protective mode. By stepping back, she allowed her daughter to begin facing her fears, building up her own coping skills instead of relying on her mother for comfort.
It’s normal to feel uncertain when navigating your child’s big emotions—you’re not alone in this journey, and support is available.
What Is SPACE Therapy? A Better Way to Help Your Child Overcome Anxiety
As a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in supporting parents of anxious children, I often work with families facing situations just like this one. Parenting an anxious child can feel overwhelming and leave you questioning whether you’re doing too much or too little to help. If you’re reading this, you might be feeling similar frustration, guilt, or helplessness. It’s important to know that you’re not alone in this experience, and it’s completely normal to feel uncertain about how to respond to your child’s big emotions.
The story above reflects the shared challenges many parents face when seeking support for their child’s anxiety. As someone who provides Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE), my goal is to help parents find effective ways to manage their children’s anxiety while fostering long-term growth and resilience.
SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) is a research-backed therapy designed to help parents guide their child through anxiety—without forcing them or reinforcing fear.
Here’s how SPACE works:
- Parents, not the child, are the focus of treatment. This means the child doesn’t have to attend therapy.
- It helps parents gradually reduce accommodations, so the child learns to face fears at their own pace.
- It emphasizes confidence and encouragement instead of reassurance or avoidance.
Parenting an anxious child can feel overwhelming and leave you questioning whether you’re doing too much or too little to help.
In my sessions, I help parents strike a balance between empathy and encouragement, so their child feels supported while also developing the tools to manage anxiety.
How SPACE Helps Parents Guide Their Children Through Anxiety
In this particular case, the mother’s instinct was to either comfort her daughter or push her past her fear, but both approaches left her feeling unsure. That’s where SPACE comes in. Designed to help parents like her, SPACE teaches parents how to support their children without accommodating their anxiety. Rather than reassuring the child that there are no snakes, which wouldn’t help, or pushing her too forcefully into the water, which could backfire, we worked on helping the mother gradually build her daughter’s resilience.
With SPACE, I guide parents through learning how to reflect back confidence and strength to their children, rather than fear or avoidance. One of the core messages of SPACE is: “I know this is hard, but I also know you can do it.” It’s a simple phrase, but in practice, it becomes an anchor for parents who need to strike the balance between empathy and encouragement.
In the case of the mother and daughter at the lake, our therapy sessions focused on helping the mother gradually reduce the accommodations she was making for her daughter’s anxiety. Instead of offering constant reassurance or avoidance, we practiced ways to reflect back to her daughter that she was capable of facing her fears. Over time, with the right level of support, her daughter began to feel more confident in herself.
What Makes SPACE Unique?
As a CBT-oriented treatment, SPACE focuses entirely on empowering parents to become agents of change in their child’s life. What’s truly unique about SPACE is that the child doesn’t even need to participate in therapy. This means that families don’t have to battle with their child to get them into therapy or rearrange their schedules for therapy appointments. For example, the mother in our case study appreciated that she could meet with me during her lunch breaks, working through the anxiety strategies while continuing with her day. There was no need to coax her daughter into attending therapy sessions, which made the process much more manageable.
As a clinical psychologist trained in SPACE, I work closely with parents so that they can implement the most effective parenting strategies directly into their daily lives—whether in person or virtually. Even the most anxious children can find their own reliance and strength with the right parental guidance.
SPACE helps parents find effective ways to manage their children’s anxiety while fostering long-term growth and resilience.
How to Reduce Your Child’s Anxiety Without Reinforcing It
How SPACE Helps Parents Guide Their Children Through Anxiety
In this particular case, the mother’s instinct was to either comfort her daughter or push her past her fear, but both approaches left her feeling unsure. That’s where SPACE comes in. Designed to help parents like her, SPACE teaches parents how to support their children without accommodating their anxiety. Rather than reassuring the child that there are no snakes, which wouldn’t help, or pushing her too forcefully into the water, which could backfire, we worked on helping the mother gradually build her daughter’s resilience.
With SPACE, I guide parents through learning how to reflect back confidence and strength to their children, rather than fear or avoidance. One of the core messages of SPACE is: “I know this is hard, but I also know you can do it.” It’s a simple phrase, but in practice, it becomes an anchor for parents who need to strike the balance between empathy and encouragement.
In the case of the mother and daughter at the lake, our therapy sessions focused on helping the mother gradually reduce the accommodations she was making for her daughter’s anxiety. Instead of offering constant reassurance or avoidance, we practiced ways to reflect back to her daughter that she was capable of facing her fears. Over time, with the right level of support, her daughter began to feel more confident in herself.
What Makes SPACE Unique?
As a CBT-oriented treatment, SPACE focuses entirely on empowering parents to become agents of change in their child’s life. What’s truly unique about SPACE is that the child doesn’t even need to participate in therapy. This means that families don’t have to battle with their child to get them into therapy or rearrange their schedules for therapy appointments. For example, the mother in our case study appreciated that she could meet with me during her lunch breaks, working through the anxiety strategies while continuing with her day. There was no need to coax her daughter into attending therapy sessions, which made the process much more manageable. You can support your anxious child by being their advocate and applying SPACE principles with the guidance of a trained professional.
As a clinical psychologist trained in SPACE, I work closely with parents so that they can implement the most effective parenting strategies directly into their daily lives—whether in person or virtually. Even the most anxious children can find their own reliance and strength with the right parental guidance.
In SPACE, the goal is not to eliminate anxiety overnight, but to build resilience slowly and steadily.
Building Resilience is a Gradual Process
Are you struggling with how to reduce your child’s anxiety without reinforcing it? In SPACE, the goal is not to eliminate anxiety overnight, but to build resilience slowly and steadily. When I first taught the mother to use the phrase, “I know this is hard, but I also know you can do it,” her daughter didn’t respond positively. In fact, she slammed the door and refused to talk to her. This is a common reaction when parents start implementing SPACE strategies, but over time, the child begins to internalize the message.
The process is gradual but transformative. With each small step, the mother saw her daughter begin to face her fears, no longer paralyzed by them. As a trauma specialist and therapist who works with families to navigate life transitions, anxiety, and conflict, I’ve seen how powerful this approach can be. Parents learn to be supportive while also showing their child that they believe in their coping abilities, offering their child the tools to cope without enabling them.
How Therapy Can Help Your Child (Without Forcing Them into Sessions)
One of the best parts of SPACE therapy is that your child doesn’t have to attend sessions. Instead, I work directly with parents to help them implement effective strategies at home.
Here’s what therapy with me looks like:
- We assess your child’s specific anxiety triggers.
- We identify how accommodations may be reinforcing fears.
- I guide you in gradually reducing accommodations in a supportive way.
- We track progress together so you feel confident and supported throughout the process.
Even if your child resists therapy, you can still make a huge impact on their anxiety—starting today.
Ready to Support Your Child’s Anxiety in a Healthier Way?
Engaging in SPACE is about reclaiming peace and normalcy in your family’s life. I’ve seen how anxiety can ripple through a family, creating stress, tension, loss of valued activities and feelings of dread when facing commonplace daily activities. But with the right tools, parents can learn how to manage their child’s anxiety while fostering independence and resilience.
The mother and daughter from our case study experienced a noticeable shift after engaging in SPACE. The daughter became more confident, and the mother felt empowered to support her child. This is the kind of transformation I aim to guide parents toward, helping their children grow, thrive, and enjoy life once again.
If you’re wondering how to reduce your child’s anxiety without reinforcing it, I’d love to support you. Schedule complimentary consultation to learn more about SPACE therapy and how we can work together.
