“I thought being hard on myself would make me better.”
I hear this all the time. Clients often believe that self-criticism is what keeps them sharp, driven, or emotionally contained. The assumption is that if they just push a little harder, feel a little worse, or hold themselves to impossibly high standards, they’ll not only feel okay—they’ll do better, achieve more, and finally become the version of themselves they think they should be.
But here’s the question I often ask: If that worked, wouldn’t it have worked by now?
Instead, what I tend to see is something very different. In my work as a licensed psychotherapist specializing in relationships, emotional growth, and self-worth, I often sit with thoughtful, emotionally attuned individuals who are quietly burning out—not from failure, but from the belief that they have to earn rest, compassion, or even basic emotional care.
That’s where self-compassion comes in.
It’s often misunderstood as indulgent or weak. But in reality, learning how to practice self-compassion is one of the most powerful ways we can build emotional resilience, improve our relationships, and begin to feel more grounded and whole.
The Hidden Cost of Self-Criticism
For many people, self-criticism has become a kind of default setting. It doesn’t always sound dramatic—it can be subtle, almost habitual. Thoughts like You should know better, Stop being so sensitive, or You never get it right can run quietly in the background, shaping how you feel about yourself and how you move through the world.
In my work with clients, I often see this pattern in individuals who were praised for being self-reliant, emotionally strong, or easygoing. Somewhere along the line, they internalized the idea that their needs should come last, or that asking for support was a sign of weakness. Self-kindness wasn’t modeled, and in some cases, it was even discouraged.
Cultural norms also play a role. Many of us have been taught that productivity is more important than presence, that emotional discomfort should be pushed aside, and that self-sacrifice is admirable. But when we live by those rules long enough, it takes a toll.
Chronic self-criticism isn’t just an emotional issue. It’s also linked to anxiety, depression, and shame. It can erode our sense of worth and leave us feeling disconnected from ourselves and others.
If you’ve connected with past pieces like “Overcoming the ‘Never Enough’ Mindset” or “The Art of Setting Boundaries”, you may already be familiar with how these patterns operate. But here’s the shift that changes everything: when we start relating to ourselv
Self-compassion isn’t all about big declarations. Sometimes it looks like pausing to take a breath, choosing a kinder tone, or offering yourself permission to rest.
What Therapy (and Research) Say About Self-Compassion
When your emotional world is met with care, you begin to feel like you matter. And that changes everything.
As a licensed psychotherapist, one of the most powerful shifts I support clients in making is learning to notice the voice of the inner critic—and introducing an alternative voice that’s grounded in care rather than control.
We all have an “inner critic,” but many of us haven’t had a chance to develop an inner nurturer. In therapy, we practice cultivating this voice with warmth, curiosity, and patience.
Self-compassion isn’t about avoiding accountability or pretending everything is fine. It’s about creating emotional safety, which research shows is essential for healing. Studies show that practicing self-compassion can lead to lower levels of anxiety and emotional avoidance, along with greater emotional balance and resilience.
Therapeutically, I often draw from parts work, inner child work, and relational therapy to help clients explore where their inner critical voice came from—and what it might be trying to protect. From an attachment lens, we look at how early relationships shape the way we relate to ourselves. If love was conditional, or if emotions were ignored or invalidated, it’s no surprise that self-compassion feels foreign.
In earlier blogs like “Dealing with Rejection” and “Secure Attachment in Relationships”, I talk more about the impact of these early experiences. But at the heart of it all is this: when your emotional world is met with care, you begin to feel like you matter. And that changes everything.
How to Practice Self-Compassion: Five Simple Tools
If you’re wondering how to practice self-compassion in real life, here are five simple, accessible tools I often share with clients. You don’t have to do all of them—just pick one and see how it feels:
- Name Your Inner Critic
Externalize the critical voice by naming it. This helps you observe it without merging with it. Maybe it sounds like “The Doubter” or “The Taskmaster.” Naming it gives you space to respond rather than react. - Practice Gentle Self-Talk
When you notice harsh thoughts, try responding with curiosity instead of judgment. Ask, What would I say to a friend in this moment? Then offer yourself that same tone. - Use a Compassion Anchor
Think of a person, memory, or image that brings you comfort. It might be a loving grandparent, a pet, or a moment in nature. Let that feeling of safety anchor you when you’re overwhelmed. - Try a Self-Compassion Journal Prompt
Write a short letter to yourself from a place of kindness. Prompts like “What do I wish someone would say to me right now?” or “What part of me needs care today?” can help shift your perspective. - Integrate Micro-Moments of Care
Self-compassion isn’t all about big declarations. Sometimes it looks like pausing to take a breath, choosing a kinder tone, or offering yourself permission to rest.
If you enjoy working with affirmations, “Affirmations for Self-Confidence” might be a supportive next step. Just remember: the goal isn’t to fake positivity, but to speak to yourself in a way that feels grounded, sincere, and supportive.
Why It Matters for Your Mental Health
When you start practicing self-compassion, you may notice subtle but powerful changes. You might feel less reactive, less overwhelmed, or more able to stay present in difficult conversations. You may find that your relationships begin to shift, too—because how you treat yourself inevitably shapes how you show up with others.
Self-compassion helps regulate the nervous system, build resilience, and strengthen emotional boundaries. It also helps reduce the sense of isolation that often accompanies shame or self-judgment.
That said, this work can bring up resistance. Many clients tell me it feels awkward or even uncomfortable at first. That’s normal. If you weren’t raised to treat yourself with kindness, it makes sense that this would feel unfamiliar. It’s not because you’re doing it wrong. It’s because you’re doing something new.
How Therapy Can Support Your Self-Compassion Practice
In therapy, I help clients notice the tone of their inner voice and explore what it might be saying underneath the surface. Often, what sounds like criticism is actually fear or a deep longing for love, safety, or connection.
When that part of you is met with understanding, something shifts.
Clients often share that as we do this work, they begin to feel more connected to themselves—and more empowered in their relationships. They describe feeling less stuck, more present, and more able to name what they need.
I love supporting people who are ready to move toward self-trust and emotional clarity. If you’re curious but not sure where to begin, therapy can offer a safe space to explore what practicing self-compassion might look like in your world.
If you’re not ready for therapy right now, here are a few resources I often recommend:
- Book: The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook
- Podcast: The Self-Compassion Podcast
Article: 3 Mantras to Help You Harness Self-Compassion and Manage Stress
A Final Thought
If no one has told you this lately: you are allowed to be kind to yourself. Not once you’ve done more or proved your worth—but now, exactly as you are.
Try noticing how you speak to yourself today. Could your inner voice be a little softer? A little more forgiving? I hope this blog resonated with you in exploring how to practice self-compassion.
If you’re ready to explore this more deeply, I’d be honored to support you. You can book a complimentary consultation, browse the blog series, or follow along for more insights and reflections. Sometimes, even small shifts in how we treat ourselves can open up space for real healing.
