Healthy Relationships: Insights from a Therapist Working with Domestic Violence Survivors

H i, I’m Maryam, and my deepest wish for you is to feel empowered in your relationships—to recognize what healthy connections look like and to know that you deserve them. As someone who works with individuals navigating the aftermath of unhealthy relationships, including domestic violence, I’ve learned that building safe, respectful, and fulfilling relationships isn’t just about finding the right partner—it’s also about recognizing and cultivating healthy dynamics.

If you’ve ever felt unsure about whether your relationships are truly healthy, you’re not alone. Many people struggle to identify what’s normal versus what’s harmful. By understanding the foundations of healthy relationships—mutual respect, boundaries, and self-care—you can create meaningful, secure connections that support your well-being.

Why Healthy Relationships Matter

Questions such as, “How has my partner assisted me in becoming a better version of myself? What have they taught me? When I’m around them, do I feel better? Do I have to pretend to be someone else? Do I have to be wary?” are powerful tools for reflecting on the health of your relationships. Do their actions remind you of trends in previous relationships or what you were raised to believe was standard?

It’s clear that taking care of your physical and mental health should come first in a good relationship.

It’s clear that taking care of your physical and mental health should come first in a good relationship. Recognizing harmful behaviors is the first step in breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationships. Working with survivors of domestic abuse has allowed me to witness firsthand the strength people gain over time—establishing boundaries, fostering mutual respect, and rediscovering self-care after leaving harmful dynamics.

Breaking this cycle requires patience, trust in the process, and a willingness to embrace setbacks. Healing is not linear, and it’s okay to take your time. You are worth the patience and effort. To truly understand how you deserve to be loved, it’s essential to be informed and supported.

 

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual care. But sometimes, it’s easier to identify unhealthy dynamics first—so let’s break this down with some less obvious examples:

Signs of Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics:

Controlling behavior:

A partner dictates your choices, monitors your activities, or isolates you from friends or family. Control can be financial, physical and psychological.

• • • Your partner “offers” to handle all the finances but discourages you from accessing shared accounts or asking questions about money.

    • Constantly asking you to “check in” about small decisions, like what groceries you buy or who you spend time with, framing it as care or concern.

    • Frequent comments about how your friends or family “don’t have your best interests at heart,” slowly isolating you.

Dismissive communication:

Your feelings are ignored, belittled, or invalidated.

• Rolling their eyes or sigh heavily when you bring up your concerns, subtly signaling that your feelings are unwelcome.

• When you express hurt, they reply with phrases like, “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not a big deal.”

Violation of boundaries:

A partner disregards your needs, personal space, or consent.

• “Forgeting” that you’ve asked for privacy in certain areas, like reading your journal or checking your phone, and dismiss it as harmless curiosity.

• They subtly push physical affection beyond your comfort zone, like initiating hugs or touches after you’ve expressed discomfort, claiming they were “just being playful.”

Neglect or imbalance:

One person constantly gives while the other takes.

• • • You find yourself always planning dates or managing household responsibilities without any reciprocal effort.

    • They consistently “forget” important dates like anniversaries or your achievements but expect you to celebrate theirs.

    • They rarely ask about your day or well-being but frequently vent about their own problems.

Denial of intellectual autonomy:

A partner dismisses, mocks, or punishes you for expressing thoughts that differ from theirs, making you feel unsafe to share your perspective.

• • • They subtly discredit your opinions by saying things like, “You don’t really understand how this works,” or “That’s not realistic.”

    • They make jokes about your ideas or preferences in front of others, brushing it off as playful teasing.

    • They steer every conversation to their point of view, making it feel risky or pointless to share your own thoughts.

On the Flip Side – Signs of Healthy Relationships:

Respect for autonomy:

You feel free to make your own choices, maintain your individuality, and express your beliefs without fear of retribution or ridicule.

• • • Your partner encourages you to pursue hobbies, friendships, or goals independently, even if they don’t share those interests.

    • They trust you to make decisions without requiring constant updates or justification.

    • They listen when you express a differing opinion and engage with curiosity instead of defensiveness.

Open, empathetic communication:

Your feelings are heard, validated, and met with compassion.

• • • They acknowledge their own missteps and are able to apologize

    • Even during disagreements, they show understanding by saying, “I hear what you’re saying, and I can see why you’d feel that way.”

Respect for boundaries:

Your needs and limits are honored without question. No means no, even if it isn’t what your partner necessarily wants.

• They check in before making plans involving you, like asking, “Would you be okay if we joined my friends for dinner this weekend?”

• If you say you need space or time alone, they respect it without making you feel guilty or pressured to explain further.

Mutual care and reciprocity:

Both partners invest in each other’s well-being equally.

• • • They notice when you’re feeling overwhelmed and offer to take on tasks without being asked, like cooking dinner or handling errands.

    • They celebrate your wins, even small ones, with as much enthusiasm as their own.

    • They make an effort to give back emotionally or practically when they see you’ve gone out of your way to support them.

When you understand these contrasts, you can start to recognize what’s normal—and what’s not. Healthy relationships foster a sense of safety and stability that allows you to thrive.

 

Communication: The Foundation of Healthy Relationships

Do you find yourself hesitant to express your feelings because you’re worried about your partner’s reaction? Working with survivors of domestic violence, I have seen how challenging it can be to shift these patterns, especially when expressing emotions or asking for support feels unsafe. This underscores the importance of honest, compassionate communication.

Dismissive or domineering communication often signals a toxic dynamic, feeding a vicious cycle of distrust and silence.

Dismissive or domineering communication often signals a toxic dynamic, feeding a vicious cycle of distrust and silence. Breaking this pattern involves learning to express emotions clearly, manage conflicts respectfully, and practice active listening. Begin by understanding your emotions before communicating your needs, creating an open dialogue where both partners feel heard. Relationships thrive when communication fosters mutual respect and understanding.

Here are some practical tips to strengthen your communication:

Practice Active Listening:

• • Give the other person your full attention, and reflect back what you hear. For example: “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed because of work deadlines. Is that right?”
  • Avoid interrupting or formulating your response while they’re speaking.

Express Your Emotions Clearly:

• • Use “I” statements to convey how you feel without blaming. For example: “I feel hurt when you cancel plans at the last minute because it makes me feel unimportant.”
  • Be specific and direct to avoid misunderstandings.

Manage Conflicts Respectfully:

• • Take a pause if emotions are running high, and revisit the conversation when you’re calmer.
  • Approach disagreements with curiosity instead of defensiveness: “Can you help me understand why this feels important to you?”

Good communication isn’t just about speaking—it’s about creating a space where both parties feel valued and understood.

Boundaries and Respect: Cornerstones of Trust and Safety

Respecting personal space and promoting safety are key to healthy relationships. Neglecting boundaries can lead to harmful patterns, often unnoticed until they escalate. Small actions, like dismissing your need for space or making critical comments about your choices, can erode your sense of self. Over time, these behaviors may leave you feeling powerless and unheard.

Establishing and upholding boundaries protects your well-being and promotes equality. For example, instead of accepting past dynamics as “normal,” reflect on what feels comfortable and prioritize your limits. Boundaries are essential for maintaining respect and trust, ensuring you don’t settle for anything less than you deserve.

Practical Tips for Setting and Maintaining Boundaries:

• Know Your Limits: Reflect on what feels comfortable and what doesn’t. Write these down if it helps.

• Communicate Clearly: Use direct language to express your boundaries. For example, “I need you to call before coming over instead of showing up unannounced.”

• Be Consistent: Hold firm to your boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable. Respect from others often follows when you respect yourself.

• Recognize Red Flags: If someone constantly dismisses your boundaries or makes you feel guilty for setting them, this is a sign of disrespect.

When you set boundaries, you reinforce your value and create space for trust and equality in your relationships.

Self-Care and Well-Being as Pillars of Healthy Connections

 

The journey of self-care is a transformative process for regaining emotional strength. For one survivor of domestic abuse, simple acts like daily yoga or walking became a lifeline, helping them reconnect with themselves. Through therapy, they learned to express their needs and establish boundaries, reclaiming confidence and independence along the way.

Self-care is more than a routine—it’s a practice of self-respect and self-love. It reminds you of your worth and helps sustain healthy relationships. By prioritizing self-care, you create a foundation for emotional balance and meaningful connections.

How to Begin Prioritizing Self-Care:

Start Small:

• • • Identify one small activity that brings you joy or peace, like reading, journaling, or taking a short walk.

    • Commit to carving out time for this activity, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day.

Reconnect with Your Needs:

• • • Ask yourself: What makes me feel calm? What energizes me? What do I need more of in my life?

    • Begin to notice and honor these needs without judgment.

Seek Support:

• • • Consider working with a therapist or joining a support group to explore self-care in a structured way.

    • Surround yourself with people who encourage and uplift you.

Self-care is not just about spa days and pampering yourself (although that’s perfectly fine too!) It’s about rebuilding self-awareness and reconnecting with your inner world. As you grow in self-awareness, you’ll gain clarity about your relationships—what’s working, what’s not, and what you truly need to feel safe and supported.

Building and Sustaining Healthy Relationships

Healthy relationships don’t just happen—they’re built through intentional effort. By practicing open communication, respecting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care, you can create connections that nurture and empower you.

Take a moment to reflect on your relationships. Are they aligned with the values we’ve discussed? If not, consider what changes you can make today—whether it’s having an honest conversation, setting a boundary, or seeking support.

My hope for you is that you walk away from this with a deeper understanding of what safe, respectful, and fulfilling relationships can look like—and the confidence to pursue them. Healing from a toxic or unhealthy relationship isn’t easy, but it’s a journey worth taking for your own peace and happiness. 

If you’d like support on this path, I’d be honored to help you. Booking a consultation can be the first step toward rediscovering your strength, rebuilding trust in yourself, and creating connections that truly nurture your well-being. You deserve relationships that uplift and empower you.